I have really disliked what I’ve seen about myself during the Pandemic. I wonder how much of it is that, being alone with oneself more often, one sees or spends more time self-reflecting. When we are with one another, as much time is spent vollying back reactions-spoken or unspoken, as a stranger or familiarly – as there is initiating the activity. It seems like part of my inner life is filling in for both roles. What I’ve seen is how often I think poorly or am mean in my thoughts towards others and maybe a little more time fealing sorry for myself.
I walk down streets and people coming into ‘my space’ annoy me. I’m eager to put my annoyance on display. If a runner is coming down the sidewalk, I turn around (especially if I have my dog) so I can appear to have not noticed them coming on me and I can then glance up and back away, shaking my head at the obvious immoral and rude behavior on their part. I feel the same at grocery stores. I put myself into a moral panic about what others are doing and want to be the one being in obvious consternation. I think it indirectly is an act of putting myself ‘above’ others. And I hate it.